mission

I Will Show Unto You a God of Miracles

/ srabbott2 / 2 Comments

This is a talk I gave in church on 11/8/2020. The prompt came from the weekly Come Follow Me Lesson.

In all the craziness, uncertainty, and inconsistency of this year, I’m grateful we have had studying Book of Mormon as our constant.

As we wind down our reading of the Book of Mormon, this week we studied the last few chapters in Mormon, however most of it was actually written by Moroni who was finishing his father’s life’s work.

Additionally, Moroni was granted a vision of our day so he would know what we needed to know and focus on so that we could endure the last days.

Here’s how he discusses one of these areas of focus:

“Behold, are not the things that God hath wrought marvelous in our eyes? Yea, and who can comprehend the marvelous works of God?

Behold, I will show unto you a God of miracles.” (Mormon 9)

Why of all things that we are faced with in our day would he want us to focus on miracles?

There are many in our day who deny God’s existence, deny his miracles, or claim that miracles ceased after the New Testament times.  We need to know that he continues to be a God of miracles because:

“If there were miracles wrought then, why has God ceased to be a God of miracles and yet be an unchangeable Being? And behold, I say unto you he changeth not; if so he would cease to be God; and he ceaseth not to be God, and is a God of miracles.” (Mormon 9)

Our understanding of the nature of God is a vital part of our doctrine and our testimonies.  To deny miracles is to deny the nature of God as being unchanging.  And yet:

“For every infirm man healed instantly as he waits to enter the Pool of Bethesda, someone else will spend 40 years in the desert waiting to enter the promised land. For every Nephi and Lehi divinely protected by an encircling flame of fire for their faith, we have an Abinadi burned at a stake of flaming fire for his.” (Elder Holland)

The same God who provided manna in the desert for the Israelites made Nephi hunt for his own food.

The same God who gave Hannah a son, lets others struggle through indefinite infertility.

The same God who visited Joseph Smith lets some of us struggle with deep questions for years, potentially our whole life.

The same God who protects faithful armies let the people of Ammon die.

The same God who makes weak things become strong would not remove Paul’s thorn in the flesh.

The same God who led the Prophet Samuel to anoint David a ruler by looking on his heart asks us to individually research and vote for our leaders.

Does this mean that God changes?

Mormon warned:

“The reason why he ceaseth to do miracles among the children of men is because that they dwindle in unbelief, and depart from the right way, and know not the God in whom they should trust.” (Mormon 9)

But was that Nephi’s problem?  Was that Abinadi or the People of Ammon’s problem?

Four years ago, the last time that we were studying the Book of Mormon as a church, a dear friend of mine was struggling through a fertility battle.  She was in her early 40s and had tried so many different fertility avenues as well as adoption, nothing was working.  When we studied this portion, she had just received more bad news, and when the Sunday School teacher said, “If you don’t have miracles happening in your life it’s because you aren’t righteous enough,” it crushed her.  She texted me after church needing to talk through what was going on.  She asked if the reason she wasn’t seeing this miracle come to pass was because she was doing something wrong.  But she felt like she was doing everything she could.

Has anyone else ever felt this?  And wondered where is my miracle? 

As I reflected on her questions and concerns two things came to me:

Timing and Type

Maybe the miracle just hasn’t come YET- and in her case that was what it was.  She now has a 2 ½ year old little miracle girl.

But what if it’s not just timing.  What if it’s one of those Shadrach, Meshack, and Abednego “But if not…” moments.  Are we back to this question of if the day of miracles has ceased.

Where does our mind typically go first when we talk about miracles.  Insert special musical number from Fiddler on the Roof– Wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles.

We like to think about the lion’s den, the parting of the Red Sea, the Walls of Jericho coming down, people saved from fiery furnaces, and other miracles of biblical proportion.

But what if the issue isn’t timing or the ceasing of miracles, what if we just need to look for a different type of miracle.

The Bible dictionary says: Miracles should not be regarded as deviations from the ordinary course of nature so much as manifestations of divine or spiritual power.

While the miracles that DO deviate from the ordinary course of nature are the easiest to recognize, they are not the only type.  Any time divine or spiritual power is manifest it is a miracle no matter how big or small.  The Bible dictionary goes on to say:

“Some lower law is in each case superseded by the action of a higher.”

I think what we need to do in most cases is think outside the miracle box.  After all, if miracles are a manifestation of God’s power and his higher laws- then let’s not box him in by the constraints of our lower lawed minds.

Let’s consider a few of the examples I brought up earlier.  Joseph Smith was granted a remarkable vision in response to his question- he certainly got one of those deviations from the ordinary.  When I have questions that’s not how it goes for me- anyone else???  In fact, Heavenly Father rarely actually gives me a straight answer.  He likes to play jeopardy or something and responds to me in the form of a question for me to contemplate.  So let’s play that question game right now…

What if the miracle of the Restoration isn’t just about the vision, what if it’s not just about the answer?  What if the bigger miracle is that a 14 year old boy was so concerned about the state of his soul that he poured himself into the scriptures all on his own?  I don’t know any of the 14 year old young men here, but I have two brothers and I taught high school for a little while, and I can tell you that this is not typical 14 year old boy behavior. 

And what if part of the miracle was also being led to ask the right question? 

Throughout the scriptures we read about groups who were protected in war because of their faithfulness.  However, the People of Ammon converted then made a covenant with the Lord that they would never fight again and buried their weapons of war in order to keep that covenant.  It was within God’s ability to keep them safe, and yet the Lamanites came upon and killed them- unarmed.  Where was the miracle?  What if the miracle wasn’t about their lives being spared? What if the miracle was their strength to keep their covenant at all costs.  What if it was that more people were converted that day than were slaughtered?

In the Oct. 2007 Women’s broadcast Pres. Monson said “My dear sisters [and brothers], do not pray for tasks equal to your abilities, but pray for abilities equal to your tasks. Then the performance of your tasks will be no miracle, but you will be the miracle.”

 Early in my mission I developed what I have coined as my “angel complex.”  Maybe it’s a sister thing, maybe it’s a Southern thing, but people called me an angel all the time.  And I know it was meant as a compliment, but I felt like a fraud.  I was no angel.  I struggled with a bad attitude and disillusionment from the awkwardness and constant rejection that came from tracting.  If I were an angel then people would actually listen to me instead of shutting me down.  Then to make things even more frustrating, when I was studying in Alma and came across the familiar “Oh that I were an angel” verse it had never dawned on me before that a few verses later he says, “But I do sin in my wish.”  So I already felt like a fraud being called an Angel.  Now Alma’s telling me that it’s a sin to even wish you were an angel.  And I was like, “Seriously Alma, it is not a SIN to wish you were an Angel!!!!”

So this sort of boiled in the back of my mind for several months until I hit a particularly rough day and I thought, “I just want an angel to come down and tell these people…..”  And then it hit me….but I do sin in my wish, because if God wanted to send an angel, he would, but instead he sent me.  What if the miracle of my mission was less about getting all of Florida to listen?  What if the miracle of my mission was me?  That maybe, not in spite of, but perhaps because of my weaknesses the Lord chose me.  That like the Brother of Jared and his ordinary stones made to shine in darkness, the Lord took ordinary me and used me to light people’s way.  And so while I still struggled with accepting being called an angel, if you operate under the definition of an angel being a messenger from God, then to a select few- but very important and amazing people, that’s what I was.  And they were my miracle, and I was theirs.

And you, each and everyone of you can be a miracle every day.

This week has been collectively stressful as we have watched and waited for election results.  Especially here in AZ, where last I checked we were still too close to call.  There are good and faithful people on both sides of this election who have been hoping and praying for the outcome they think is best.  For those who will inevitably be disappointed by the results- will it seem that miracles have ceased?

But what if the miracle is less about who ends up in the white house?  What if the miracle is more about us looking deep down inside to determine what we can do individually to heal and unite our nation?  What if the miracle will be found in following the recent counsel of our leaders to love our enemies, to forgo the anger and hatred with which political choices are debated or denounced in many settings, to avoid anger and hostility toward those with whom we disagree and even be willing to learn from them, to peacefully accept the results of the election, to lead out in abandoning attitudes and actions of prejudice, and to choose to let God be the most powerful influence in our lives? [Taken from Pres. Oaks’ Love Your Enemies and Pres. Nelson’s Let God Prevail.]

In closing let’s bring it back to Moroni.  He doesn’t actually discuss very many specific miracles in this passage, the ones that he does are the Creation, the Fall, Redemption, Resurrection, Judgment, and our final reward.  Let us remember and keep in perspective that the most important miracle is the Plan of Salvation.  So when All You Need is a Miracle and it seems that it isn’t happening- consider the timing, look outside the miracle box, and then look forward with hope in Redemption and Resurrection through Jesus Christ because he is the miracle and then you will also be a miracle.

Photo Credit to Laci Gibbs

Come Follow Me Family Home Evening for Little Ones- March 2020

/ srabbott2 / 2 Comments

Can we take a minute to talk about after church on Sunday.  I’m gonna be straight up, sometimes I feel like church is too short.  Like couldn’t you keep my kids an extra hour AND I teach them at home!!!  Maybe I’ll feel differently when baby #3 comes in May.  But especially now that we are back to 9:00 church, sometimes the rest of the day goes VERY slowly.

Sabbath activities are certainly a very personal decision, we’ve got some general guidelines but for the most part it is up to individual families to decide.  So I want to hear what’s working (or not working) for your family.

Here’s some stuff we do:

-VeggieTales, Owlegories (several episodes are free on Prime), and the Living Scriptures resources on YouTube (anyone have the Living Scriptures subscription, I keep thinking about it- worth it or no??)

-Crafts

-Board games, including this one I made to go with a past FHE Lesson

-When I wasn’t pregnant- walks or kites at the park

-Baking

-Visiting family (but then we sometimes end up with similar down time at their houses)

 

Stuff I always think we should do but rarely happens:

-Coloring pages

-Activities in the Friend

 

Help me come up with more ideas!  For our family we’ve decided to avoid non church related movies and shows and video games on Sundays.  Sometimes if I’m desperate for quiet I give in and let them use the PBS kids app.

 

On to FHE ideas for March!  And we’re back with Children’s scripture resources now that we are getting out of 2 Nephi (which I love and I’m sad there aren’t better children’s resources- one day I might just write one, but that day is not today!)

March 2-8 This is the Way

Children’s Scriptures- Friend Jr Feasting on the Scriptures

Materials: Straight and Narrow Path Game Straight and Narrow Path Printables, path like a balance beam or made out of tape or chalk

Song: Choose the Right Way pg. 160

Explain to the kids that Nephi tells us that to get back to Heavenly Father there is a straight and narrow path.  Use your hands to show straight and demonstrate narrow.  Being baptized is the beginning of the path and then we have to follow it the rest of our lives.  Sometimes we might wobble and fall off but then we can jump right back on!  Use the game or the printables or both to talk through ways we stay on the path and things that might get us off track.

For the game use a die or number spinner and character pieces from another game in your house.  When they land on a space with a picture discuss the picture and let them go ahead an extra space.  At certain points they have the option to go off the path into a red square with a picture of something that takes them off the path- if they choose that (and maybe mom and dad could demonstrate) they go back two spaces.  Bonus- you can add this to your collection of activities to pull out for a future Sunday afternoon, just laminate it or keep it in a page protector!

With the full page printables, create a straight and narrow path either using a balance beam or making a path kind of hop scotch style out of tape or chalk.  Put the distractor pictures to the sides of the path.  Have the kids use the pictures as stepping stones.  Again you would probably want to either laminate or use page protectors.

Pro tip- depending on the program you are using to open the PDF and your individual printer, you should be able to find a way to print 2 or 4 per page if you don’t want to have them so big- especially if you are using a balance beam.  But, each program and printer is different with the settings so I can’t really give a tutorial.

 

March 9-15 Be Reconciled Unto God through the Atonement of Christ

Children’s Scripture Resources: Book of Mormon Stories Chap 10, My First Scripture Stories Jacob and Sherem

Materials: picture of a kid in a swim suit

Song: Two Little Eyes pg. 268

 

Soap box moment:

In Jacob chapter 2, Jacob speaks very boldly about the law of chastity.  He starts by saying that it grieves him to have to speak about this in front of their wives and children but that it needs to be said.  I feel the same way, but based on a recent situation I became aware of as well all of the research and articles and statistics about child molestation, sexual abuse of children, child trafficking, and pornography exposure happening younger and younger this is something we HAVE to talk about again and again and again and it’s never too early to start.

I’m adapting this from a lesson I published back in August when we discussed Corinthians and the analogy of our bodies being temples.  Jacob doesn’t use the same analogy, but it’s a good analogy if you just want to repeat that.

Start by telling your kids that the prophet Jacob in the Book of Mormon taught us about how to use our own bodies appropriately and respecting other people’s bodies.

Explain the difference between secrets, surprises, and sacred or private things.

Secrets can hurt people, we don’t keep secrets. If someone tells you something or does something to you and tells you not to tell mom or dad tell that person that we don’t keep secrets and make sure to tell mom or dad or another grown up what happened.

Surprises are when we don’t tell someone something right away because it will be more fun if we wait. This is like when we buy someone a present, we don’t tell them what it is until they open it.

Sacred, Special, and Private are things that we only share with a few special people. Our bodies are temples and someone has to have permission to touch your body and you need permission to touch someone else’s body.  If someone wants to give you a hug or a high five and you don’t want to you can say no thank you, if they don’t listen then you can move away from them.  If someone doesn’t want you to hug them or give them a high five then you need to listen to them.  If someone uses their body to hurt you, tell them no, get away, and tell a grown up.  We never use our bodies to hurt other people.  Sing the song “Two Little Eyes” now, or again, and emphasize the line “Many more things make me.”  We have parts of our body that are private. Use correct names (so much research on this being super important- NO NICKNAMES!!!) and explain that private places are where a swim suit covers and show them a picture of a kid in a swimsuit. We keep our private places covered, we don’t joke about them, we don’t show them to people, we don’t look at them on other people, and no one has permission to touch them unless mom or dad is helping you in the bathroom or a bath, or if a doctor needs to check and make sure everything is healthy. If anyone tries to touch you in a private place you yell at them, “No, don’t touch my_____,” you run away, and you tell a grown up right away. If anyone tries to show you their private places or a picture of someone with their privates showing, do the same thing- Yell no, run away, tell a grown up right away.  If you are watching a show or using a tablet or phone and a picture of someone without clothes comes on the screen you close your eyes (your two little eyes that blink blink blink- the song tied in again!); turn off, put down, or get away from the screen; and tell a grown up right away.

(Depending on the age and maturity level of your kids you may explain that when you are an adult and married then you may also share your private places with your spouse, it is important that kids hear about sexuality in a positive and healthy way.)

 

March 16-22 The Lord Labors with Us

Children’s scriptures: Book of Mormon Stories Chap 10

Materials: mission tags and pictures, missionary coloring pages

Song: I Hope They Call Me On a Mission pg. 169

Tell the children that the Prophet Jacob shared a story about the history of the whole earth, from before he was born, to when Christ was on the earth, to our time, and even after that.  In our time he said that people would be called to work with the Lord to share the gospel.  Those people are missionaries.

If you or your husband or both of you served a mission pull out your old mission tags, some pictures and any other fun mission paraphernalia (if you served somewhere foreign make sure to have some foods from your mission available!) Talk about what it was like to be a missionary and share some stories.

If neither of you served, talk about someone you know who is serving, invite someone over who served, or even see if the missionaries in your area are available to come over.

Talk about what you can do now to prepare to be a missionary- even if you don’t serve far away we can all share the gospel all the time.  Things kids can do now- read the scriptures, go to church, listen to their parents, invite friends to come to church or activities, etc.

Color some missionary themed coloring pages and send them to a missionary you know or even just the missionaries in your ward.

 

March 23-29 He Works in Me to Do His Will

Children’s Scripture Resources: Book of Mormon Stories Chap 11, Book Of Mormon Stories for Young Readers Enos Prayed, My First Scriptures Stories- Enos

Song: I Pray In Faith pg 14

Materials: Picture of Enos praying, Prayer Printable, extra pictures or drawing supplies

Show the kids a picture of Enos praying and summarize the story or use the Young Readers version linked above.  Use the Printable and/or find pictures or draw pictures* specific to your kids and family to put together a little “cheat sheet” to help them remember what to include in their prayer.  Talk about the steps of prayer (you could sing the second verse of the song a few times).

  1. Dear Heavenly Father
  2. I’m thankful for
  3. Please bless, or I ask thee
  4. In the name…..

Then have the kids practice saying prayers using the little “cheat sheets” they created.

 

*This is a good example of how to differentiate a lesson if you have kids in different age groups.  The older kids could be drawing their own or helping a slightly younger sibling find pictures in a magazine to cut out.  Older kids could also get into more abstract concepts that aren’t easy to find a picture for, and specific questions.

 

Consolidated Materials List:

Straight and Narrow Path Game

Straight and Narrow Path Printables

path like a balance beam or made out of tape or chalk

picture of a kid in a swim suit

mission tags and pictures

missionary coloring pages

Picture of Enos praying

Prayer Printable

extra pictures or drawing supplies

 

 

Image by liggrafie from Pixabay

To Tremble Because of Pain

/ srabbott2 / 3 Comments

I introduced this idea in my post about my birth stories, but wanted to develop it further.

If you’re into birth stories then give it a read, but if you would like to be spared all of the TMI here’s the pertinent part of the story in a nutshell.

With my second pregnancy I developed symphysis pubis dysfunction at 10 weeks.  Which basically meant that I was in debilitating pain for the last 30 weeks (plus the 2 days overdue) of my pregnancy.  It was horrible and my doctor didn’t care/ wouldn’t listen.

The pain was sometimes mild and manageable but frequently jumped to excruciating, by the end it was mostly always excruciating.  But no matter what, it was constant.

I had a doctor’s appointment on my due date, which was a Monday and my doctor agreed to set an induction date.  He initially said Wednesday then changed his mind and suggested Friday.  I piped in, “Or Wednesday!”  “No, Friday will be better schedule wise.”  “Or we could do Wednesday.”  “Why Wednesday, what’s two more days?”

Anyone who would suggest that it’s just two more days has clearly never experienced chronic debilitating pain.  I mean he might as well have said, “What’s two more days in Hell?”  It’s 4 MORE days in Hell, is what it is, because Wednesday is 2 more days.

He settled on Friday, I felt powerless to argue, so that was the plan.  That’s not what ended up happening, but that starts getting way off topic.  She did end up coming on her own on Wednesday.

The thought of having to be in pain longer caused me to reflect deeply on a favorite passage of scripture.  This comes from the Doctrine and Covenants and is a revelation given to Joseph Smith in which Christ explains and details His life and mission.  He explains His suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane prior to being crucified:

“Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit—and would that I might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink—

Nevertheless, glory be to the Father, and I partook and finished my preparations unto the children of men.”

That phrase, “to tremble because of pain” has always struck me, but now it was striking with more meaning.  I felt like my pain was being disregarded, that I was being treated as weak or foolish for expressing that I was in pain, and yet the Savior, even God, TREMBLED because of pain.  I by no means want to compare my pain to what He must have gone through in that time, and yet, it was validating to realize that He was admitting to trembling in pain.  I realized on a very personal level that He understood what I was going through which made me feel closer to Him.

The biggest thing it did was make me thing about how we, “mere mortals,” react to pain in ourselves and to others.

No one will get through this life without experiencing some form of debilitating pain, whether it be physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual, or really any combination of the above, because really they are all connected.  These painful trials can become a stepping stone that allows us to draw closer to our Savior making them sacred experiences.  But what about when you are in the middle of it, or someone around you is in the middle of it, too often we try to just make it go away or make it seem less awful than it is, I feel that this can take away from the sacred nature of pain, and unfortunately can make the situation harder in the moment.

I want to take a look at some of the mistakes we make when dealing with pain both our own and others.  Like I’ve said in other posts, if you realize that this is something you have done to me or others, know that I am not upset, or holding a grudge.  I know that people are for the most part well meaning.  My hope is that we can learn together from these mistakes so that we can be more helpful to others in the future.

What not to do:

Putting things in perspective

Having an Eternal perspective is so important when dealing with trials.  Knowing that God is there and on your side and that “all these things shall give thee experience and work for thy good,” can be the only thing that keeps you going sometimes.  I feel like developing an Eternal perspective is something that you should be working on constantly, especially during the “down time” when you aren’t in the middle of a crisis so it’s there to get you through the crisis.  When the crisis comes, the Eternal perspective becomes a very personal relationship with God through mighty prayer and faith.

Sometimes people say things, well meaning of course, to try and spin the Eternal perspective, or put things in perspective during the crisis.  Things like, “Well it could always be worse….you could have….”  or “Well at least you have….”

Yeah, because when you’re in pain you definitely want to think about how things could be worse, that’s a pretty hopeful place to go.

I really can’t picture anyone saying to Christ in the Garden, it could always be worse, I mean you could have gotten YOUR ear cut off, or your disciples could have gone home to sleep instead of falling asleep in an uncomfortable garden.  You wouldn’t say that to Him.  And the only person I can see coming up with a “Well at least…” statement is Satan.  “Well at least you HAVE body.”

Those kinds of statements invalidate the experience.  And OF COURSE it could be worse, and people have gone through harder things.  I mean ultimately Christ experienced it ALL.  But I can’t for a moment picture Him coming and saying it could be worse, or at least you didn’t have to go through what he went through.  No.  He validates our pain because He experienced it.  He sends the Comforter to help us through.

I feel like in Mormon culture we don’t want to let things be bad.  And maybe that’s because we believe that ultimately we will be led to pure joy.  Or we have this idea that in order to be Christ-like we can’t admit to the struggle because He was perfect and somehow we think that being perfect means not having human emotions, reactions, or struggles.  And yet, he said, “Father if thou be willing, remove this cup from me.”

Was he showing a lack of Eternal perspective in that moment?  Was it sinful to show weakness?  No, but He was expressing His emotions and His pain freely to His Father.  Sometimes things are just hard, really hard and awful, and the cup can’t just be removed.  He had to experience it in order to fulfill His most sacred responsibility.  Likewise we have to allow ourselves and others to experience pain in order to fulfill our sacred potential and join the fellowship of Christ.  To try and remove it, or make seem not as bad would hold us back from being able to “overcome all things,” which is a characteristic of those who will inherit the Celestial Kingdom.

Find the deeper meaning or give an explanation

“He’s in a better place.”

“God must have needed her more on the other side.”

“Think of all the lives he’s touching.”

“If it’s God’s will….”

“I’m sure it will all be ok”

These platitudes, plain and simple, are not helpful.

As individuals deal with pain, grief, and loss and turn towards God, sometimes they receive answers that give meaning to what they have experienced.  Sometimes the personal revelation they receive sounds like some of the lines I wrote above.  HOWEVER, those answers are deeply personal, need to come from God, and need to come when they are ready to receive it.  While it may turn out to be true, to try and offer meaning or give an explanation is an attempt to receive personal revelation for the other person.

Also, don’t give assurances that it will be ok.  Again, that’s as if you have received personal revelation for someone else’s experience.  When I was 16 my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  For the 2 weeks between diagnosis and hysterectomy I lived with constant weight and fear of the unknown.  When I told people they frequently said to me, “It’s alright, your mom’s going to be fine,” “Everything is going to be ok!”  It was really frustrating because I didn’t know if everything was going to be ok, I hadn’t received that answer from God.  The prognosis was good, but there was still the lingering fear of what could come, not to mention that even if they could get everything out with the surgery and no follow up needed, my mom was still undergoing major surgery and would be healing for several weeks.  (For the record, everything did turn out ok.  In fact, after the surgery they came back and said it wasn’t actually cancer, just cysts, and now 15 years down the road there have been no continuing concerns.)

When baptized in the LDS faith we covenant to bear one another’s burdens, mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.  Our job is to bear, mourn, and comfort, not to explain or reveal meaning, that is God’s job.

Comparisons

Don’t compare your pain.  Don’t compare anything for the matter, but really, don’t compare your pain and your trials.

As a missionary I started out with a chip on my shoulder.  I had myself convinced that I had sacrificed more than most of the other missionaries, so I really had a reason to struggle and have down days.  I did sacrifice a lot to be there, and I certainly had my fair share of literal blood, sweat, and tears.  But one day I was humbled with the seemingly obvious realization that at some point everyone would go through the hardest thing they have ever gone through.  That would be different for everyone and tailor made for them to grow and develop as needed.  I realized that I needed to allow other people to struggle, because while they weren’t going through the same thing I was, what they were going through was hard.

I had to learn this same concept but flipped when I went through my second pregnancy.  I was surrounded by people who were going through very very difficult trials.  A few friends experienced infant loss while I was pregnant, another friend was struggling with infertility (prayers for her recently implanted baby!).  And then there was me, carrying a healthy baby, and yet struggling so much.  Let me be clear that none of them did or said anything to make me feel guilty, I placed the burden of guilt on myself.

How dare I feel depressed when there were so many people around me going through something much harder.  Never would I ever wish to trade places with them.  So I tried to tell myself that I should just suck it up, and I should be so happy.  And of course I WAS happy to be carrying a healthy baby, that wasn’t what I was depressed about, but that’s what makes it depression.  I wasn’t really sad about anything, I was sad about EVERYTHING, and being in constant physical pain made it so much worse.

I finally realized, that yes, while other people were going through things that were harder than what I was experiencing, that didn’t mean that what I was going through wasn’t hard.  While I found joy in the hope that I would have a healthy and happy baby at the end (which isn’t quite how it went what with the NICU stay and all, but that’s a different story), it didn’t mean that I had to pretend to be enjoying my present circumstance.  I needed to validate my own pain and stop comparing it to others.

Another comparison we need to avoid is an attempt at an empathetic comparison.

A dear friend of mine lost her Father to a very long battle with cancer when she was only 19 years old.  I was her visiting teacher at the time and I’m sure I said some well meaning, but stupid things to her, but did my best to comfort while validating her pain.  At one point I started to say to her, “I know how you feel.”  Then corrected myself, and said, “Actually, I have no idea how you feel.”  She thanked me for saying that and told me that she found it a little frustrating when people said, “I know how you feel.”  And then a lot of them would follow it up with something like, “My grandpa died.”  Not to take away from the pain and sadness of losing a grandparent, but losing your parent especially at such a young age, is a very different experience.

On the flip side of that, the “I could never do that” response is another form of comparison.  Again it’s well meaning, and perhaps trying to highlight a strength that you see in the person.  Unfortunately it can feel like a wall being put up that makes them different.  The implications of the phrase, while in most cases not meant to be malicious can hurt the person who is doing their best to get through something difficult.  Often people experiencing loss (especially in extreme cases such as the loss of a child or untimely death of a spouse) feel guilt when they realize that their life is moving forward, especially in the moments when they realize they “forgot to miss them” or “forgot to be sad.”  Somehow they do have to continue with their life without letting loss consume them.  Comments like, “I could never do that” or “I would just fall apart” can increase that feeling of guilt, as if moving forward means that they didn’t love the person enough.  That’s of course not the case, but in the middle of loss our brains are not exactly known for being entirely logical and rational.

 

An empathetic response is wonderful, however an attempt at an empathetic comparison may leave the person experiencing the trial actually feeling less understood and less validated in their pain which can unfortunately end up causing more pain.

What TO do:

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I feel like this painting really illustrates it perfectly.  Allow people to go through the experience, to grieve, to cry, to express themselves, and mostly just be there holding them, listening, and loving.

The angel isn’t saying to Him, “It’s gonna be ok.”  Because she knows it’s not, His trial and pain were going to continue and get worse.  I picture her simply saying, “I’m here, I love you, your Father loves you, I’m sorry you have to go through this,” and then crying along with Him.

In my experience, and from what I’ve observed with other people’s experiences is that in the middle of the trial they need people to just be there, to allow them to express the reality of their pain, to let them ugly cry when needed, and to just know that you are a safe person to vent to.

Rather than trying to give a positive spin or a comparison say things like:

  • I’m so sorry this is happening
  • That sounds so hard
  • I can only imagine

Don’t just tell them that God loves them, SHOW them by being an extension of His love.  Let them know that you will be there and help with whatever they need, give them ideas of what that means.  Tell them if they need to talk about it then your ears are open, if they need a distraction to get their mind off of it then you would love to get out of the house with them and not talk about it.  Offer specific service- can I bring a meal, do some laundry, mow your lawn, watch kids, donate to a fund, etc.

I feel like this quote from Spencer W. Kimball really sums this up:

“God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs… So often, our acts of service consist of simple encouragement or of giving mundane help with mundane tasks, but what glorious consequences can flow from mundane acts and from small but deliberate deeds!”

Pray, and let them know you’re praying, but be aware that it can seem trite when someone says they are praying but doesn’t follow up with any action or dismisses what the hurting person is saying.

Send notes and text messages to let them know that they are on your mind.

Most of all just love and be loving.

To Those Experiencing Pain and Trials

I’m sorry, I hope you are able to find comfort.

Please keep in mind that people are trying to be nice so when they do make one of the mistakes from above, forgive them.  When appropriate you may want to find ways to calmly explain what types of responses are helpful vs. hurtful.

Let people serve you!  While on my mission, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland did a mission conference for us and something that he said has really stuck with me.  He explained that while on our missions we had a very specific and important focus and we ought not to let Terrestrial, or worldly, cares get in the way of our higher calling.  That’s why they encourage members to feed missionaries, and ask missionaries to have simple wardrobes etc. so we don’t have to use too much of our precious time taking care of those earthly needs.  I feel like this applies to us when we are experiencing significant trials as well.  When in the middle of the trial you have much more pressing needs to take care of so let people around you take care of your Terrestrial needs as much as they can.

Most of all take care of your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs.  Surround yourself with positive influences and don’t be afraid to reach out to trusted people.

And if you do need some good perspective, remember that this too shall pass.  It might pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.